For a long time, I’ve been lying to myself and to you to try and initiate a result.
It feels dirty, dark and disgraceful.
For the most part, it makes me feel like a fraud.
It has me waking up every morning wanting to charge ahead trying to prove to the world that I’m good and I’ve got this, when in fact I spend large parts of the day dragging my eyes through Facebook and Instagram looking for some inspiration;
Or more like my “Cocaine,” hit for the day, hoping this will be the one.
Sometimes it can take just minutes, but for the most part, I get lost dragging my ass through the streets of social media trying to score that next high. By the time I start to become aware of the reality, scores of time has passed by.
Maybe this time is the time I can walk away not needing that hit;
Oh hold on, there is the dealer I need, dealing in that sexy and seductive temptress of the one-hit that can get me the high I need and BOOM!
The hit is sweet and fucking hey does it give me that high!
Next, I charge around my space scrambling to put this high to use, hopefully creating something that will prove my worth, prove to everyone and everything that I am a champion!!
The feeling is gone and that high is now tumbling, a panicked and anxious low, scrambling once again to stay busy in a hope that the busyness will provide some sort of result.
So yeah there is my confession, I’M AN ADDICT!!!
Although this isn’t an addiction that is often talked about.
🕷 This isn’t an addiction to drink or drugs… I’ve been there.
🕷 This isn’t even an addiction to porn or social media… been there too.
🕷 This is an addiction to my past!!
An addiction to try and prove my worth because if I can do that then I might finally have the chance to be successful.
To be successful and have shit tons of money, a massive and beautiful house to once again stare at the 67 Mustang that used to occupy my garage.
Because that is success right?
The physical proof that all your suffering and pain is worth every moment you give to it and that one day you will be able to revel in that success knowing that all those beautiful things can somehow prove your worth.
Well here it is my confession; My endless drive to prove my worth with money, cars and all over materialism has left me more broken than ever.
💔 It has left me homeless, living in a car and showering at a gym hoping that things will turn around.
💔 It has left me seeking sexual abuse because if someone can help me feel my pain and unworthiness physically then this can then vindicate and provide some real truth.
💔 It has pushed me to want to abandon everything that is good for me, from my family and friends and all of the beautiful things that I put my love, time and energy into.
The first two are unusual anomalies that are more personal to my past situations than anything and although I may share those life experiences with people, they are more taboo than anything.
The third however is more common in today’s society than anything. The want to run away from everything in our life that provides true meaning and beauty because we don’t believe in ourselves and we are unable to find the markers that society deems to show our success.
We want to abandon it all and give up and tell ourselves that they will all be better off without us.
We don’t, but these are the things that go through our head punishing and torturing ourselves because this just goes to prove that we are right to believe that we are worthless and that thing that happened to us all that time ago is right and that we are just a joke in this world, destined for mediocrity and failure.
WHAT A FUCKING SHIT SHOW HEY?
Well if that’s what we tell ourselves that is where we are destined to be heading.
That’s exactly what debaucherous torment spilt out my mind when confronting myself with who I really want to be in this world.
A sickening look into the reality of an individual trying to overcome a battle, with themselves.
At least that’s one way of looking at it.
The other is that this person, this tortured human’s mind is just one step away from greatness, they just don’t know it yet.
They are ready and prepped for extreme change and a rise to the top of where they really want to be in life while being able to live and experience every feeling that those material goods provide.
Because while reading this something in their mind is ticking, making a familiar noise, but one that is often ignored.
This ticking turns into a message that agrees, that this is me. This sounds like and resembles everything that I feel about myself and reminds me of that voice I have every time I stop and look at myself in the mirror.
So why is this the time?
Well, this is you admitting to yourself that you want a change, you want something different.
Not just some run of the mill, bullshit Instagram experience that will provide some pretty fucking picture to post to the world to say how good my life really is.
This is the opportunity to grab a hold of what you really love and enjoy and make it something truly special. Something that can give you all of the feelings that any car, house, and bag of cash can give you.
Yeah they help and they are definitely achievable, but they are just the results of what can be achieved, they do not depict the real thing that we are truly looking for.
That feeling of self-belief.
That feeling that you can handle any issue, any problem and any tough situation that gets thrown at you and know deep down that you can rise above the pain and torment that it can bring.
Because you have been through shit and you have come out on the other side alive. Albeit you may have a few scars and few wounds that need taking care of, but you are alive and have another fucking opportunity to realise how great you really are.
“We’re not nameless, We’re not faceless, WE WERE BORN FOR GREATNESS.” – Papa Roach.
Step into this opportunity to use this understanding of who you are, to push forward with tremendous resilience knowing that no matter what you do, or what you are trying to achieve to have it within yourself.
Be BOLD, Be BRAVE, Be YOU!
⚡️ IT’S YOUR TIME ⚡️
That time is NOW!!!
Your Conscience. #IYT
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